An Eternity

There is no dusk to be,

There is no dawn that was,

Only there's now, and now,

And the wind in the grass.

from - An Eternity by Archibald MacLeish

I am not at all prepared for this. I should be. All parents should be. This should be in the manual. It is not.

A few months ago we visited my Grandma. Right before my visit my Grandma had to put her much beloved Shi Tzu, Buffy, to sleep. Zoey, of course, noticed immediately and asked where Buffy was. I told her that Buffy's body was old and tired and it stopped working- he died- but he now lives in a place where his body works and he is happy and healthy.

The next week our wonderful friend and neighbor George passed away VERY suddenly and unexpectedly. I did not tell Zoey until I had to. Until she asked where George was and why he was not at his house. Not until it was our turn to walk his beloved Cairn Terrier. I told her that George's body stopped working blah, blah,blah..... but that Mama's, Dadda's and Zoey's bodies are all very healthy and strong and our bodies will work for a very, very long time.

And then, Scout -our serial killer cat, left the head of a ground squirrel on our front porch- Godfather style. Zoey found him and proclaimed him dead. We buried him and did prayer hands and asked that he find the place where he could run freely without any cats .

And then there was the squirrel....

and then the bird .....

And then Janet, our next door neighbor and treasured friend to Z , moved last week.

and then tonight months later- there was this. Out of the blue as Zoey was supposed to be going to bed.

"Mama can you sing the Train Song for me again"

"In the morning when you wake up. Right now it is time to go to sleep"

"Mama, can I sing the Train Song by myself while you hold my hand"

"Sure"

"Mama I do not remember the words can you tell me the words"

"tomorrow"

"I forgot the words. I disappeared, I died"

"Zoey, you will NEVER disappear, you are not going to die. I will never let you disappear I will find you wherever you go- just like Runaway Bunny. You will be with Mama forever. You are not going to die."

"George died, Buffy died, Janet....."

" No Zoey. Janet did not die. Janet is at a new house. You are not going to die. Mama is not going to die. Dada is not going to die."

This is the most truthful thing I knew to say. It is the only thing I really knew in my heart to say. She will be with me forever- no matter what. It makes me so sad to think she has been carrying this in her heart for months. What is the right thing to do here? For the record I have never correlated death and disappearing. That she did on her own. I will be calling her attachment therapist tomorrow but for tonight i will stew.